Saturday, September 25, 2010

It’s Happened!

I’ve turned into my mother - and my grandmother, and my Aunt Susie, and my Aunt Annabelle, and, most likely, Aunt Bee and Auntie Em and Granny Clampett and Mrs. Methuselah and every other old woman in the history of the world.

This realization came to me the other day when a friend asked if I had my bottle of Windsor Canadian in my pocket book. I'm proud to say I did not, but the fact he asked gave me pause. At that point it did hit me that, yes, I do bring a small bottle of Windsor Canadian to social gatherings from time to time – just as my mother did. And yes, I do wrap up desserts to take home to eat after my early bird dinner. And yes, I do plan my travels to coincide with right turns only. And then there’s the going to bed by eight and the getting up before the sun, even on weekends and holidays.

But what I realize now, but failed to realize when I was just a young and silly person before I had the wisdom not only of my age but of the ages of all who came before me, is that old ladies have good REASONS for their peculiarities.

And those reasons include, but aren't limited to, the following:
  1. young people mutter into the phone, making it difficult to understand what they are saying.
  2. styles don't really change all that much in 20 years, and a good pair of shoulder pads do, indeed, make you look slimmer.
  3. left turns cause accidents.
  4. beverages at most parties aren’t of the same quality as a mid-priced Canadian blend.
  5. restaurants are kept too cold.
  6. waist bands are highly over-rated but wide belts help to hold your boobs up.
  7. desserts are best when eaten while watching House Hunters International in your pajamas.
  8. eyeliner helps to hide the bags over and under your eyes; however, an eyebrow pencil offers the added advantage of making you look surprised that you are still alive.
  9. people do drive entirely too fast. Twenty-five mile an hour speed limits are posted for a reason.
  10. the left lane on an interstate is the best lane despite the honking by people not observing # 9.
  11. getting up early keeps you from having to commune with young people for the first few hours of any given day.
  12. if you were lucky enough to happen upon a good hairstyle at 18, there’s no reason not to keep it for the rest of your life.
  13. you really only need two outfits, one to wear and one to swear you are washing. Dark knits work best for hiding stains, but large patterns and sequins are more festive.
  14. people really are interested in pictures of and cute stories about your grandchildren.
  15. plastic baggies can be effectively washed out and re-used.
  16. Noxema cures most any ailment on all parts of your body.
  17. restaurants should offer smaller portions for early bird diners; however, drink sizes should be the same or bigger.
  18. 81% of murders and 96% of purse snatchings happen after 8 PM so it's best to just go ahead and go to bed early.
  19. if you don't know a statistic, it's okay to make one up if it proves your point.
  20. things really were better forty years ago.
It all makes sense now. I'm glad I figured it out. Excuse me while I go find that cookie in the bottom of my pocket book. It'll go great with my highball.


Cile said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these revelations of logic regarding what I witnessed in the my elders behavior when I was young! Who KNEW?

You have made me laugh one again, Marcia. Now I know who to look to for a snack and a snort when I'm unavoidably detained on the short bus to the Senior Center!

Anonymous said...

I truly laughed out loud!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thoroughly enjoyed it. It's amazing how time changes one's understanding. Thanks for putting it all together. Mary B.

Olga said...

Hysterically funny. I'm sending this to my daughter so she can start appreciating me a bit more.

something witty said...

oh crap. I agree with most of those.

Wisewebwoman said...

I just knew all of that but wanted someone to put it all together for me. Thanks for standing up, being counted and listing in bullet form.

You forgot stealing the packs of ketchup for the grandchildren when they visit.


marciamayo said...

Oh my goodness, yes - the taking of the condiments.

Jean said...

Oh, mercy. I do love those right-hand turns and seek them out at every opportunity; I complained this very afternoon that the restaurant was too cold. You write such good humor, and humor is THE most difficult to write. Thank you for the chuckles.

Arkansas Patti said...

Just too funny and I sadly agreed with too many of them.
Was glad though for a logical reason for going to bed early. Thanks--I feel better now that it is for safety reasons.

Freda said...

And the best thing of all is to be comfortable with all the things you now know. This post is going on my list to read when I get uptight about what other people think! Every Blessing

Kate said...

another in a long series of great stories. What do you do with the bad ones... Oh, I know! you let someone else write those.

June Calender said...

Wonderful post! Great list. I'll smile the rest of the evening.

oklhdan said...

OMG I have been planning trips with right turns only for years! Are we related???????

Friko said...

Nooooooooo, Marcia, you got it all wrong!

People who are always praising the past
And especially the times of faith as best
Ought to go and live in the Middle Ages
And be burnt at the stake as witches and sages.

Are you as funny in real life as you are on your blog? I'd love to spend an hour or two over a nice bottle with you.
Mind you, I don't get going until after 8 pm.

Brighid said...

You are spot on, and way too funny. I do believe I'll laminate your post into placemats so I don't forget...

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