I have a new boyfriend and his name is Tommy Jr. He’s a younger relative of the Tom I took with me on my Spring Break adventure. My son, Billy, introduced me to Tommy Jr. when he gave me a brand new Tom Tom GPS for Mother’s Day and I must say that I’m pretty excited.
Since I like the notion of a boyfriend better than putting up with the real thing, I think Tommy Jr. may just be what I need at this point in my life. A couple of years ago, my friend, Allison, and I decided to make up some boyfriends we could brag about in social situations. We came up with Lars and Sven, whom we said we met at the Steamhouse Lounge in Midtown Atlanta. They were Scandinavian sportswear salesmen in town for a convention. I don’t know if it was their names or their occupation or our meeting them at a bar prior to our five o’clock early bird dinner, but nobody seemed to believe us.
But I think Tommy is doable (figuratively, not sexually). He already goes with me everywhere, tucked nicely into my glove compartment when I don’t need him. When I do require his assistance, his sweet face and assertive voice get me where I need to go. And at no point, so far, has he told me he doesn’t like my hair or that I could stand to lose a few pounds.
In fact, I’m so enamored with Tommy Jr. I'm wondering if I could unearth my trusty old Singer sewing machine and whip him up a body out of muslin and fiberfill batting, kind of like a rag Tommy Jr., only with his beautiful GPS screen instead of eyes. That way, he could sit in my passenger seat and help me gain access to the HOV lane and maybe I could take him dancing. Remember those life-sized dancing dolls we used to have as kids that had elastic attached to the bottom of their feet so that they stepped where and when we stepped?
Now I'm thinking of other ways a stuffed Tommy Jr. could come in handy. They include:
- dining out. No longer will I have to bring along a book to pretend to read. I can just pretend to have a conversation with my boyfriend, Tommy Jr. instead.
- at a movie. I can tuck his arm around my shoulder during a romantic comedy.
- in a dark alley or on the subway. Everyone would be afraid to bother me.
- at the grocery store. He can push the cart and reach the macaroni and cheese on the top shelf.
- at the gas station. He can hold the pump.
I do have to say that I'm not sure I'll want to sleep with Tommy Jr. I've slept alone since my cat died and I've gotten used to it. Plus, Tommy Jr. isn't real. He's a GPS with a rag-doll body, so that would just be creepy.