We oldsters deserve some respect. And I don’t mean because of our wisdom or accumulated good works or the sacrifices we’ve made for our families. No, we deserve respect because of how cool and edgy we are. Think about it. Many of the things that make young people cool, we also have. For example:
- They mark their bodies. Ours are already marked. With age spots, stretch marks and moles now all converging on my left breast, it’s starting to look like I have a tattoo of a phoenix, or maybe it's a buzzard.
- They expand their ear holes for large posts. Ours are already expanded. I one time wore both of my earrings in the same hole for an entire day and nobody noticed.
- They ride around on odd cycles. So do we.
- They often don’t remember what they did last night. We don’t remember what we did this morning.
- Pink and purple hair? We’ve got that covered!
- They like their music out of the mainstream, as do we. When my mother gave my daughter, Molly, her car when Molly turned 16, there was a tape stuck in the tape player. The tape was polka music. I am not kidding here.
- They don't make much sense. Neither do we.
- They sleep late. We sleep early.
- They go to vintage stores to buy old clothes. We don’t need to.
- They’re wired. So are we – to our pacemakers and CPAP machines
- They imagine a better world. We had it. It ended in 1970.
So, you see, if we can corner the market on cool, we can have the same advantages as young people. Advantages like getting reservations for dinner at the newest trendy restaurants (as long as they open by five and have doggie bags) and starring in our own reality shows. However, instead of The Bachelor, ours could be The Widower. We could bake pies and drop them by his house.
If I only knew how to bake a pie.