Monday, January 24, 2011

No Eye Deer

I don’t think I know one single woman who can tell a joke. Most men can’t tell them either but they don’t seem to realize it. In my earlier days, I remember standing mute, drink in hand, while some fool monopolized the conversation with a long drawn out story beginning with “Did you hear the one about…?” That doesn’t seem to happen to me any more, but I don’t think it’s because men have stopped telling jokes.  Instead, it seems to be based on a confluence of two things: one, I no longer frequent cocktail parties, and two, I no longer hang out with all that many men.

To me, the funniest stories are the true ones about real people doing stupid things, especially when I know the people doing the stupid things. For example, I love the story about my friend, Cindy, who, when she saw an errant shopping cart heading down the street toward her car, she honked at it. Or the one my ex tells about visiting a small-town doctor’s office as a pharmaceutical rep and sitting for quite a while in the waiting room, being eyed by the patients as they all viewed Jerry Springer via their peripheral vision on the mounted TV in the corner. That was until one of the patients asked the other patient sitting next to him on the naugahyde couch, “Hey Myrtle, didn’t this used to be a doctor’s office before we moved in here?”

I also like the stories where I’m the one doing the stupid things. For example, there was the time my daughter, Melissa, who was about eight, talked me into taking her to the only movie Rick Springfield ever made. As we were walking down the aisle of the theater, I spotted the cute little blond who was our dental hygienist. Since I was a busy multi-tasking mom with little time to spare, I dragged poor Melissa down to the cute little blond dental hygienist and then stuck my fingers into poor Melissa’s mouth so I could show the hygienist the weird things Melissa’s teeth were doing. It turned out the cute blond dental hygienist was, instead, the cute blond lifeguard at our neighborhood pool, a girl who knew nothing about teeth and wasn’t all that interested in looking in my daughter's mouth. She was, instead, quite interested in backing up as I came honed in on her, dragging my slobbering child teeth first with my soggy fingers.

Back to jokes, which I generally don't like and can't remember.  I do, however, recall a few jokes and they are all dirty.  The first joke I remember was from Junior High.  I won't relate the joke itself as it's enough to know that the main character was someone named Johnny F^*kerfaster.

Then there's the joke my father-in-law told me just after I married  his son.  My father-in-law was a small-town doctor, esteemed, no, I should say beloved, by all who knew him.  So it would have to be said that he was a stand up guy in all ways, but that didn't stop him from telling me this joke about the female Hell's Angel who was being interviewed by a newscaster.  The joke goes like this:

Newscaster: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Hell's Angel woman:  No, but I've been thrown around by the tits a few times.

And then there's this one about when Tarzan first met Jane.

Tarzan:  What name?
Jane: Name Jane
Tarzan:  What whole name?
Jane:  Hole name Pussy.

And here's my last joke.  No, don't walk away to refill your glass.  This one is really good.

What do you call a blind deer?  No eye deer.
What do you call a paralyzed blind deer?  Still no eye deer.
What do you call a paralyzed blind deer with no sexual organs?  Still no f^*king eye deer.

Get it?

24 comments:

Friko said...

M A R C I A !!!!!

I am so shocked.
I would never be as rude as that on a public blog!

It's such a pity that I can never remember jokes except when they are retold and I remember them instantly. Particularly the dirty ones. In our house it's B. who tells them.

I only ever get button-holed by an ex-soldier of 89 who tells the filthiest jokes with a lovely twinkle in his eye. What can you do, you can't
tell him to push off, that would be impolite.

marciamayo said...

Yeah,Friko, I'm sure you are shocked. I've never heard anything like that from you.

MaryB said...

Yes, I remember that genre of jokes. And I did laugh - that is because I grew up before everything had to be politically correct. Haven't heard them in a long time. I wonder - did you have too many snow days?

marciamayo said...

Mary, I guess cabin fever makes me think of dirty jokes.

Arkansas Patti said...

I am still laughing at the friend honking at the shopping cart. That is priceless.
As for jokes, I'm like Friko, I can't tell them for I don't remember them till someone else starts, then the light bulb goes off.

Brighid said...

Like A Patti I'm still laughing at the shopping cart.
Wish I was better at remembering them. There are a couple of guys in our family who can tell jokes without cracking a smile, so you have to be on your toes to get them.

Celia said...

All I can remember is the punch lines and if I thought it was funny and then I laugh and can't explain why!?

Olga said...

Several thousands of comedians out of work and YOU crack jokes...
I have known two different guys who could keep the jokes and wise cracks going through an evening, leaving the rest of us with sore stomach muscles from the laughing. Ahh, those were the days. They were both funny even when alcohol wasn't involved.

Wisewebwoman said...

I'm a bit persnickety about my jokes, I can't bear anyone being hurt (slipping on banana peel) or suffering from loss of something.
I'm weird, yeah I know. A pie in the face of anyone makes me want to cry in sympathy.
Like the motorcycle moll one - I hope she didn't suffer too much or bruise or break something....
XO
WWW

Nigel said...

If you ever need a laugh just go to facebook and set your status as ... "Somebody tell me a joke" you will be surprised at how funny your "friends" really are. I also think that typicaly jokes are not funny but real life events are. Like today. I was having lunch with my friends were talking about how an item produced its own light. The word I used was glew. Which is not a word. Knowing this I used my time to convince my other friends that it actually was. So much so that one of them finally had to google it. I compared the tenses of the word to blow. It was funny to me though.

marciamayo said...

Nigel, I think glew is a great word.

I've been thinking about my jokes and I'm a little embarrassed that I put them out in cyberspace. I'm just glad I'm not Oprah or everyone would know how crude I am and it would be all over the tabloids. As it is, I just have a few of my more tightly-laced friends to worry about.

WWW, I agree about people being hurt with jokes and I'm sure what happened to the Hell's Angel woman was most likely quite painful.

I guess most sexual jokes are demeaning to some group,, whether it's women or gays or certain races. And because of that, I'm now sorry I perpetuated that in my small tacky way, especially that very special, greatly maligned, and poorly named group of dead, blind, and castrated deer.

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh you are a shameless hussy.

And so bloody proud of it!

XO
WWW

cile said...

I agree that the things that happen in real life are the funniest. I recall working in a Box Office years ago and instructing the telephone operators who took ticket sales over the phone on how to "hold" seats. John's phone rang and he jumped up to answer it asking absentmindedly, "May I hold you?" We laughed so hard we could hardly breathe and so did the caller! I still laugh today just thinking about it! It is like the honking at a runaway cart thing...too funny!

marciamayo said...

WWW,

God, I wish I still was a hussy. Come to think of it, I wish I'd ever been a hussy.

Jean said...

I remember, as a little girl, listening to my grandfather tell hilarious stories of funny things family and neighbors had done or said. Is it because we seldom know our neighbors today, or that we've become politically correct to the extreme, that those great stories don't seem to exist today? But I did enjoy your jokes, especially the biker one. I can't tell a joke; I do this amazing build-up, then I forget the punch line or, if I remember it, I massacre it.

Echoes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Echoes said...

Funny stuff. Have a hard time myself remembering the funny ones.

Anonymous said...

There goes the PG rating

Freda said...

You've certainly written the jokes well and shared a laugh. I can never remember jokes and the other thing is that I often don't get jokes - much to the amusement of my friends.

marciamayo said...

I think my posting about geezer sex took away the PG rating.

Linda Myers said...

I'm following you as of today. You made me laugh out loud - in the morning! - with the last joke.

marciamayo said...

Thanks Linda. I have to admit my daughter called me as soon as I posted this story and told me I'd told that last joke all wrong, so I had to re-write it.

I Wonder Wye said...

GROAN...you and Garrison Keillor and his vaudevillian jokes...I like the 'real' joke stories the best, too - you had some great ones. Glad your internet surface was waiting for you after your bath. Your home office is lovely.

Phil said...

Those are jokes I've told before but typically only after a few glasses of wine. Without wine, I'm blushing (and laughing out loud).